Grief
No one nor thing can truly prepare you for the experience of grief.
Grief is most commonly referenced in response to the death of a loved one resulting in a significant internal loss. Grieving takes the shape of so many emotions, feelings, and behaviors. You may feel devastated, embarrassed, angry, irritable, guilty, disparaged, vulnerable, numb, anxious, and fearful. You will have many more big emotions, some indescribable. You will undoubtedly feel such strong and uncomfortable physical sensations that are connected to these emotions, at times you will feel overwhelmed by the experience. You may want to return to the past to preserve that person, and mourn for the future that has been ripped from existence.
Grief can be extremely isolating, especially in teenage and young adult years when the majority peers likely haven’t experienced trauma to any significant effect, and most have a very limited scope of how to support a friend through grief. Some people in life may be invalidating, trivializing and minimizing, or say things that make you feel worse or angry. Despite their best intentions, people will say inappropriate things to someone in the face of trauma and the resulting grief that arises. Friends will not fully understand the extent of your grief, and may act like nothing happened and conduct business as usual. I can promise you they aren’t intentionally trying to be insensitive, they are just relatively unaware. Only the very few that have been in your shoes are able to fully empathize with the pain you are experiencing.
The often referenced five stages of grief, developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, originate from her book, On Death and Dying, originally published in 1969. Contrary to popular belief, these stages were not determined to present in the grieving person impacted by the death of another, but found in individuals that had received a terminal diagnosis. Additionally, these stages are non-linear, and not necessarily experienced as depicted. In short, while the 5 stages give an outline for what you may experience, it is not guaranteed. It is important not to set expectations for yourself during the grieving process, to allow emotions as they arise, and to be kind to yourself during this time. Everyone experiences grief differently, at different lengths, and with different ways of coping. All types of grieving are understandable.
Eventually, you will have the sense that you need to put one foot in front of the other. Moving forward in life after a loved one’s death doesn’t require grief to diminsh or go away, nor is that the expectation. Moving forward also doesn’t mean that you are forgetting or reducing that person’s significance in your life.
Counselor Lois Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief metaphor reflects an accurate depiction of what happens when grief is introduced in someones life. As time progresses, grief doesn’t diminish, but life grows around it. This is important to consider as you set expectations for how the grief continues impact and remain in your life. While you will get stronger in time, that soft spot remains.
Dual Process Grief is recognizing the balance of loss-oriented and restoration-oriented actions as you move forward. The illustration below shows how in everyday life, you may oscillate between activities and thoughts related to the deceased while participating in acts that help establish a new sense of normal.
Simply put, take it easy on yourself. Practice balance. Recognize good supports in your life and realize its ok to build temporary boundaries with those who are not lifting you up in this moment. When big emotions arise, the best way to go forward is through, and know that all big emotions do not last forever. Everyone takes a different path in processing their grief, and be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.