Rejection
One of the primal motivations during adolescence and emerging adulthood is the need to be accepted by our peer group, both in platonic and romantic relationships. When we are accepted, everything seems to fall into place - the sun shines brighter, our view of the future appears more clear and hopeful. In contrast, when we are rejected by a new acquaintance, friend, or romantic partner, life feels like it is caving into itself - a black hole prime for self-destruction.
Rejection may come in the form of a friend stepping back from the relationship after a fight, not being invited to a party or included in a hang out, or a hook-up communicating or behaving in a way that indicates they don’t reflect the same feelings and desires. I maintain that the all-encompassing feeling of rejection is one of the worst sensations you will endure (other than grief, which sometimes goes hand-in-hand), and unfortunately, an experience that all of us will have within our lifetime. What makes rejection even more distressing is that often there is usually nothing we can do or say to change the other person’s position in the matter.
Whether the rejection is coming from a friend, committed partner, hook-up, and anything in-between, once rejection comes into play, the desire to be with that person grows immensely and irrationally. Out of context, we may feel less strongly about that person or situation, but when rejected,. there becomes a desperation to feel accepted. We seem to totally forget and disregard how we feel outside of the distressing experience. This is to say that the threat of or actualized rejection summons a powerful desire and unwavering need to be accepted.
Respectfully - if you haven’t been already, at some point, you will be rejected. It is a universal experience. Maybe in an effort to make sense of your feelings and what is going on internally, you stumbled upon this blog post. While the unfortunate realization is that we will all experience rejection at some point, the encouraging news is there is a method of responding to it that will allow us to process our painful emotions without incurring greater suffering. Follow the steps below.
If you are experiencing a big emotion, it is important to put down the phone (maybe even give it to a friend/parent to reduce the impulse) and identify other sources of support that can help you get through the initial sensation. Do not reach out to the person doing the rejecting. When we are in a state of emotion mind, our prefrontal cortex deactivates in favor of activating our amygdala (the emotion super center), making it harder to think logically and communicate effectively. It is the first and most important step to disengage until you are more regulated and out of the big emotion. This will ultimately assist in a better outcome, trust me. It also saves you the embarrassment of doing anything you’ll later regret (text bombing or impulsively acting out, ring a bell?).
If an apology is needed: once regulated (it could take hours, if not days!), if there is an obvious reason why the rejection is occurring and it requires an apology, compose a clear, succinct, and sensitively-worded understanding of how that person may feel and importantly, acknowledging your role in it. If able, I recommend an in-person meetup, but if this cannot be done, a voice note over text/snap is preferable. Texts can easily be misinterpreted and invite a tone of conversation that is unhelpful, anxiety inducing (waiting for the text back, having read receipts on, etc), and too often complicates the matter. Also, texts have the potential for being shared. Even snaps.
Once the apology is delivered, try to disengage from the conversation to allow for both of you to get some space from the matter. If the other person is in an emotion mind themselves, they may respond in ways that are also unhelpful, like saying mean things or pulling for repeated apologies/groveling. If either of these things occur, validate how they are feeling and disengage. You can say “I understand how you feel. This continued conversation seems unproductive right now. I think we should pick this up later after we are both cool off a bit”. Importantly, think ahead - make plans to see a friend or have an activity lined up after the conversation. This puts a time limit on the event and provides you with some necessary support afterward.
If no apology is needed, it is paramount to initiate ways to temporarily tolerate the inevitable emotions you will be experiencing. There is where distress tolerance skills come in handy (DBT skills!).
Stay away from rumination. Try to avoid getting into the cycle of overthinking the situation, what could/could not have happened, or determining what the other person is thinking. The truth is, we will never really have a full understanding of what happened. Even if we did have a crystal ball, there is absolutely no way I personally know of to travel back to the past and change the outcome. Continuing to spin your wheels on the past, or playing detective trying to uncover someone else’s inner thoughts, will have no real positive impact on the situation, and likely only make you feel worse.
Seek out support. Further light distractions, often involving friends, parents, or activities, is a way to alleviate the intensity of the physical sensations of rejection and show you that, while painful, this rejection is only a part of your life, not your entire world. I call this exercise ~placing your eggs in other baskets~. Recognizing that the person who is doing the rejecting is not the sun of your solar system, but rather an orbital planet.
Radical acceptance. You are going to oscillate between madly desiring that person’s acceptance, hating them, feeling indifferent, and being profoundly hurt. That is ok and expected. While emotions are unpredictable in when they emerge, with time and skillful ways of coping with their intensity, they always regulate.
Rinse & repeat steps 4-6.
This blueprint is intended to give you a structure to use and encouragement that in time, you will be ok.