The Scarcity Effect

We want what we can’t have. The scarcity effect is a cognitive bias that influences people to place significant and higher value on an object that is unavailable or scarce compared to one that is abundant or readily accessible. We often see this impact consumer behavior - for instance, the selling out of a popular sneaker may render that style more desirable and drive up sales even further because it has suddenly become out of reach. This concept is easy to identify when we see or participate in it, but it does little to alter our course of behavior because our impulses are to continue to seek the unattainable. Our brains compute, “because many others have it and I don’t, it must be something that is both good and necessary”. Have you ever lusted over something and then when its in your hands, it suddenly loses it’s luminosity? This, my friends, is the scarcity effect.

What is less observable and often overlooked in the face of emotional distress is how the scarcity effect impacts our sense of life fulfillment. We spend time with people our age because of human nature, circumstances, and because we are often experiencing the same joys, stressors, challenges, and major life events at the same time. While this provides opportunity to relish in those moments together, it can also illuminate to us what we don’t have in comparison to our peers. The friend in the group without a significant other, the couple that is slower to start a family than the rest of the neighborhood, the recent grad that is less financially secure than their roommate from a different background; all scenarios that bring to light elements of our life that are missing that others may have. The inherent issue with the scarcity effect is while it urges us to seek out what is perceivably missing in comparison, it doesn’t take into account if the person actually wants these things outside of social influence, and completely devalues other aspects of the person’s life. For instance, the friend in the group without a significant other may have their good health, their family’s love and support, a stable career path, and ample supply of friends and resources. The couple without children may feel empty and behind, but are discounting their financial stability, current flexibility and freedom, and future anticipation of starting a family of their own. Another overlooked element of the scarcity effect is that while we see in others what we want, we forget that they also don’t have it all. The recent grad may look at their roommate and think “if only”, but doesn’t take into account that the roommate has a strained relationship with their parents and struggles with their mental health.

One way we can combat the scarcity effect is to bring out mind into awareness of those things that we do have and are thankful for. This may look like starting a gratitude journal or intentionally recognizing those aspects of our life that we otherwise take for granted. This exercise places less importance on what we desire and increases the significance of what we have. In turn, it lowers our emotional distress and increases our tolerance and defenses against the scarcity effect.

Grief

No one nor thing can truly prepare you for the experience of grief.

Grief is most commonly referenced in response to the death of a loved one resulting in a significant internal loss. Grieving takes the shape of so many emotions, feelings, and behaviors. You may feel devastated, embarrassed, angry, irritable, guilty, disparaged, vulnerable, numb, anxious, and fearful. You will have many more big emotions, some indescribable. You will undoubtedly feel such strong and uncomfortable physical sensations that are connected to these emotions, at times you will feel overwhelmed by the experience. You may want to return to the past to preserve that person, and mourn for the future that has been ripped from existence.

Grief can be extremely isolating, especially in teenage and young adult years when the majority peers likely haven’t experienced trauma to any significant effect, and most have a very limited scope of how to support a friend through grief. Some people in life may be invalidating, trivializing and minimizing, or say things that make you feel worse or angry. Despite their best intentions, people will say inappropriate things to someone in the face of trauma and the resulting grief that arises. Friends will not fully understand the extent of your grief, and may act like nothing happened and conduct business as usual. I can promise you they aren’t intentionally trying to be insensitive, they are just relatively unaware. Only the very few that have been in your shoes are able to fully empathize with the pain you are experiencing.

The often referenced five stages of grief, developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, originate from her book, On Death and Dying, originally published in 1969. Contrary to popular belief, these stages were not determined to present in the grieving person impacted by the death of another, but found in individuals that had received a terminal diagnosis. Additionally, these stages are non-linear, and not necessarily experienced as depicted. In short, while the 5 stages give an outline for what you may experience, it is not guaranteed. It is important not to set expectations for yourself during the grieving process, to allow emotions as they arise, and to be kind to yourself during this time. Everyone experiences grief differently, at different lengths, and with different ways of coping. All types of grieving are understandable.

Eventually, you will have the sense that you need to put one foot in front of the other. Moving forward in life after a loved one’s death doesn’t require grief to diminsh or go away, nor is that the expectation. Moving forward also doesn’t mean that you are forgetting or reducing that person’s significance in your life.

Counselor Lois Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief metaphor reflects an accurate depiction of what happens when grief is introduced in someones life. As time progresses, grief doesn’t diminish, but life grows around it. This is important to consider as you set expectations for how the grief continues impact and remain in your life. While you will get stronger in time, that soft spot remains.

Dual Process Grief is recognizing the balance of loss-oriented and restoration-oriented actions as you move forward. The illustration below shows how in everyday life, you may oscillate between activities and thoughts related to the deceased while participating in acts that help establish a new sense of normal.

Simply put, take it easy on yourself. Practice balance. Recognize good supports in your life and realize its ok to build temporary boundaries with those who are not lifting you up in this moment. When big emotions arise, the best way to go forward is through, and know that all big emotions do not last forever. Everyone takes a different path in processing their grief, and be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.

Rejection

One of the primal motivations during adolescence and emerging adulthood is the need to be accepted by our peer group, both in platonic and romantic relationships. When we are accepted, everything seems to fall into place - the sun shines brighter, our view of the future appears more clear and hopeful. In contrast, when we are rejected by a new acquaintance, friend, or romantic partner, life feels like it is caving into itself - a black hole prime for self-destruction.

Rejection may come in the form of a friend stepping back from the relationship after a fight, not being invited to a party or included in a hang out, or a hook-up communicating or behaving in a way that indicates they don’t reflect the same feelings and desires. I maintain that the all-encompassing feeling of rejection is one of the worst sensations you will endure (other than grief, which sometimes goes hand-in-hand), and unfortunately, an experience that all of us will have within our lifetime. What makes rejection even more distressing is that often there is usually nothing we can do or say to change the other person’s position in the matter.

Whether the rejection is coming from a friend, committed partner, hook-up, and anything in-between, once rejection comes into play, the desire to be with that person grows immensely and irrationally. Out of context, we may feel less strongly about that person or situation, but when rejected,. there becomes a desperation to feel accepted. We seem to totally forget and disregard how we feel outside of the distressing experience. This is to say that the threat of or actualized rejection summons a powerful desire and unwavering need to be accepted.

Respectfully - if you haven’t been already, at some point, you will be rejected. It is a universal experience. Maybe in an effort to make sense of your feelings and what is going on internally, you stumbled upon this blog post. While the unfortunate realization is that we will all experience rejection at some point, the encouraging news is there is a method of responding to it that will allow us to process our painful emotions without incurring greater suffering. Follow the steps below.

1. If you are experiencing a big emotion, it is important to put down the phone (maybe even give it to a friend/parent to reduce the impulse) and identify other sources of support that can help you get through the initial sensation. Do not reach out to the person doing the rejecting. When we are in a state of emotion mind, our prefrontal cortex deactivates in favor of activating our amygdala (the emotion super center), making it harder to think logically and communicate effectively. It is the first and most important step to disengage until you are more regulated and out of the big emotion. This will ultimately assist in a better outcome, trust me. It also saves you the embarrassment of doing anything you’ll later regret (text bombing or impulsively acting out, ring a bell?).

2. If an apology is needed: once regulated (it could take hours, if not days!), if there is an obvious reason why the rejection is occurring and it requires an apology, compose a clear, succinct, and sensitively-worded understanding of how that person may feel and importantly, acknowledging your role in it. If able, I recommend an in-person meetup, but if this cannot be done, a voice note over text/snap is preferable. Texts can easily be misinterpreted and invite a tone of conversation that is unhelpful, anxiety inducing (waiting for the text back, having read receipts on, etc), and too often complicates the matter. Also, texts have the potential for being shared. Even snaps.

   Once the apology is delivered, try to disengage from the conversation to allow for both of you to get some space from the matter. If the other person is in an emotion mind themselves, they may respond in ways that are also unhelpful, like saying mean things or pulling for repeated apologies/groveling. If either of these things occur, validate how they are feeling and disengage. You can say “I understand how you feel. This continued conversation seems unproductive right now. I think we should pick this up later after we are both cool off a bit”. Importantly, think ahead - make plans to see a friend or have an activity lined up after the conversation. This puts a time limit on the event and provides you with some necessary support afterward.

3. If no apology is needed, it is paramount to initiate ways to temporarily tolerate the inevitable emotions you will be experiencing. There is where distress tolerance skills come in handy (DBT skills!).

4. Stay away from rumination. Try to avoid getting into the cycle of overthinking the situation, what could/could not have happened, or determining what the other person is thinking. The truth is, we will never really have a full understanding of what happened. Even if we did have a crystal ball, there is absolutely no way I personally know of to travel back to the past and change the outcome. Continuing to spin your wheels on the past, or playing detective trying to uncover someone else’s inner thoughts, will have no real positive impact on the situation, and likely only make you feel worse.

5. Seek out support. Further light distractions, often involving friends, parents, or activities, is a way to alleviate the intensity of the physical sensations of rejection and show you that, while painful, this rejection is only a part of your life, not your entire world. I call this exercise ~placing your eggs in other baskets~. Recognizing that the person who is doing the rejecting is not the sun of your solar system, but rather an orbital planet.

6. Radical acceptance. You are going to oscillate between madly desiring that person’s acceptance, hating them, feeling indifferent, and being profoundly hurt. That is ok and expected. While emotions are unpredictable in when they emerge, with time and skillful ways of coping with their intensity, they always regulate.

7. Rinse & repeat steps 4-6.

This blueprint is intended to give you a structure to use and encouragement that in time, you will be ok.